Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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