I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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