I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
