so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
