Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize