omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
