Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
