cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
