you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
