New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Everclear isn't food dammit
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
