I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
