He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
