I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
