He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize