his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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