I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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