The best revenge is premature balding
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
