I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
