I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
