I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
