I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
