this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
