i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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