Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
