so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize