My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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