whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
