You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
