apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
