I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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