Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
