Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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