I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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