Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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