On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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