Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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