Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
well you can't waste a boner
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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