i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
