If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
