so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i drank out of a bidet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
