he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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