you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
