she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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