i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
