TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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