dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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