i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
