is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
