Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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