I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
