Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
