Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
