i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
