Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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