this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
smell my finger.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
