I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
