Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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