oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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