It's like God shit irony all over that family
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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