I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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