I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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