nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
