I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
