It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
