And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
