It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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