My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
