One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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