Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
