I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
