First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
