He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
